Blurb and Spiraling

Disconnected and confusing. I loved the first paragraph but then got confused by the connection to the car accident and the whole werewolf bit was totally out of left field and had zero connection to anything prior. I would skip that book based on that specific blurb.

I feel like you provide too much backstory in the first paragraph. It sounds interesting, but it has nothing to do with the current storyline. I also feel like you could transition into the second paragraph a bit better. It took me a minute to realize that you were no longer talking about the woman but had instead moved on to the man.

To much of an info dump. You're not hooking the reader, possibly keep the werewolf bit for the reader to find out? Instead, say something like.

She knew the charming attorney was hiding something, but even with her supernatural powers, she couldn't see what it was.

I for one, like it.

How does this sound to you?

Following her confinement to a wheelchair, [character a] finds work at a small detective agency. Her new job, however, brings her nightmares to life when her long-hidden psychic powers link her with the mind of a serial killer.

[character b] is one of the best attorneys at [name of firm]. To end a curse on his bloodline, he vowed never to take a wife or have children. Then, he met a woman he is drawn to protect both in and out of the courtroom.

Ok so this will sound stupid but… you’re telling me too much but not enough.

And as others have said- tenses tenses tenses. Choose one, adopt it, love it like a child, give it its own bedroom in your house and give it a hug at night as it goes to sleep——

Aka- Stick to one. 😉

You give me a lot of info in the blurb but I dunno it seems too much. Or maybe I’m just jarred by the tense change.

I am certainly no expert!!! But this felt more natural to me as a first paragraph. I’d name them too, but I can kind of see you going for intrigue, but for me I’d want to know the names.

‘After a car wreck had landed her in a wheelchair she thought her life was over. That was until she started working for a Pi business. She had spent her whole life knowing things she had no business knowing, and now her nightmares were beginning to surface for all to see. The psychic link with a serial killer was no fun either. ‘

The werewolf passage, the first sentence I’m expecting it to be something related to werewolves? Like he wasn’t just a werewolf he was an alpha or he was clan leader or he was the last werewolf in the county or he was the son of the most powerful werewolf ever to live or something like that. It’s the ‘just a werewolf’ it makes it sound like he’s more than a werewolf in the werewolf field not in the life in general field.

(And I have no idea why but after reading that line all I can hear in my head is ‘I used to be a werewolf but I’m alright nowwwooooooowwww’ 😂😂😂😂😂😂)

But I must say it’s a lot better than most I see and sounds interesting.

I had to read the sentence "knowing things she had no business knowing...." a couple of times to get a handle on this (might just be me being foggy). Liked the final paragraph, seemed to pull it together with sense of intrigue. Best wishes

I think your story is amazing but the blurb is not doing the justice for it.

Is the serial killer the werewolf? I guess the woman in the second paragraph is not the same as she in the first, am I right?

Sadly the connection is not clear and without it, it's not possible to feel the conflict and the stake.

I am guessing the werewolf is trying to protect a woman and became wanted as a serial killer? The woman working for the PI business is investigating the crime and she somehow identifies him through her psychic ability. Are you setting this up as an urban fantasy romance?

I’d read this based on this blurb.

Okay, so seriously spiraling, I know...

Have I mentioned I'm my own worst nightmare? Now I'm throwing myself at my blurb while I have 9 more chapters to edit before releasing to beta readers. I am taking the critiques better than I thought I would. Which is saying I didn't break down, cry, or throw a temper tantrum. Bully for me!!!

What I am doing is thinking what should I add or take away from my blurb to make it more enticing to these hard core critics? I like my blurb, but 2nd guessing myself.

This is my 1st ever blurb, so I do want to make it the best it can be. So I think I may do something to snazzy it up. Make it more pleasing to the eye. As for the info dump comment...if she thinks there are no twist and turns left in the story itself, I challenge her to read the book and see for herself how wrong she is.

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